My African Predictions for 2009

This year I lost $200 in bets on the US presidential election and remain committed to swimming naked to Tuti island in the middle of the Nile on my next visit to Khartoum. That is not enough to stop me making a few more predictions of the events that will shape the African news agenda in 2009:

  • Robert Mugabe dies of cholera, forensic scientists discover he was infected by contaminated ice in his gin and tonic
  • Meles Zenawi announces Ethiopian troops will be pulling out of Somalia
  • Kenya blacked out as rains flood hydro-electric dams
  • Kenya blacked out as drought empties hydro-electric dams
  • US State Department finds link between Somali pirates and al Qaeda. Somalia bombed into the, erm, stone age
  • President Bashir of Sudan kicks off peace talks alone as Darfur rebels stay away. Talks break down after 24hr
  • Raila Odinga, Kenyan Prime Minister, swaps his Merc for a Toyota Corolla and begins governing as the People’s Prime Minister, paying tax and everything
  • Somali pirates buy Djibouti, launch bid for 2020 Olympics
  • Laurent Nkunda apologises for all the trouble he’s caused in the DRC, in a statement issued by the Rwandan government
  • Omar Bongo, long-serving leader of Gabon, explodes – pieces of his liver are grilled and served to diners in Gabon amid foie gras shortage

Any others?